Time Apart in Marriage?

Many people subscribe to the idea of time spent apart while married is healthy while others suggest that being seen together more is better for the relationship. Let's look at the pluses and minuses of both!

Being Apart

Does absence make the heart grow fonder really? Taking some time away from your spouse can be refreshing and give one a sense of relief from the norm. It has become a more common thing for spouses to have a girls or guys night out or even a weekend, or a whole week. Absence makes the heart grow fonder right?

There is a great sense of relief to step out of the norm and spend some time with others besides your husband or wife. Most people do not think of this time as a vacation from their family but rather a time to get refreshed and bring their best selves back to their families.

The demands of home can be daunting and feel overwhelming. So having someone else cook for a change, or being able to really binge your favorite sport with the guys can be exhilarating for a while. 

Being Together

At some point however, you should miss your spouse and long to return to them. After all, isn't that what marriage is about. You go from being single and longing to spend every single moment together to hoping to "catch a breather" with just friends.

In the Bible, there really is nothing that speaks to being away from your marriage partner except the physical aspect of pausing intimacy for a time to seek the Lord during prayer and fasting. Some could make the case that being apart could lead to adultery, fornication and pornography temptations and should therefore be avoided as much as possible. 

Some say "don't look single if you are not". Hopefully, spending time away does not involve something akin to a bachelor or bachelorette party. In addition, shouldn't your spouse be closer to you than anyone, share your secrets and be your closest friend?

What We Think

We had an interesting discussion about this and found ourselves on different sides of this controversy. We disagreed about there being a need to be together all the time, and that having away time can be healthy. We agreed that spouses should always represent their marriage wherever they go and with whoever they are around.

It is up to each couple to decide if time away is something that both parties can agree on and for how long. Knowing your own spouse and making this decision together is the most important part. There is no sin against spending some time apart, but the Bible does encourage spouses to get back together soon to do what married people do! 

Do not deprive each other [of marital rights], except perhaps by mutual consent for a time, so that you may devote yourselves [unhindered] to prayer, but come together again so that Satan will not tempt you [to sin] because of your lack of self-control. 1 Corinthians 7:5 

                                     

                                      What are your thoughts? We would love to hear from you too!

Ten Months Later

It has been exactly ten months since our last post. A lot has changed that has changed us. And most of that is for the better. With all of the ups and downs of marriage we have made it to our twenty-one-year anniversary. What a feat, lol! 

So, in the spirit of a true recap, here are 10 things that have happened over the last ten months:

1. Our oldest son began driving. It was spooky yet, satisfying. Anita hates to drive so she was relieved. He is very good at driving and looks forward to passing his driver's license exam. Hopefully he sets a great example for the next kid.

2. Chemo continued. Although numbers stayed mostly the same, oncologists like to be on the safe side, so it's been weekly for a long time now. Maurice is a champion and lives every day to the fullest. You would never know anything was going on!

3. Our parents got older and frailer. Now we assist them on a regular basis. It helps if you are a caregiver to have family meetings, scheduled doctor appointments and a time of rest for yourself. Anita became co-chair of an organization called Angels on Duty. Find it here if you are a caregiver in need of support and prayer. Caregiving puts a strain on marriages.

4. Anita needs glasses now. She got lasik eye surgery years ago, but it doesn't last forever. One thing about marriage is that people change too and so do their looks. It helps to marry for the right reasons for sure. Fall in love with their heart not their exterior.

5. We celebrated lots of birthdays, anniversaries, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Valentine's Day, and another called Reformation Day that most people are not aware of, lol! Look it up.

6. A leadership honor society selected Anita to be a member. It is called the National Society of Leadership and Success (NSLS.org) Also, she is now the official leader over all things Missions at The Singwell Church online.

7. The Pastor of our congregation retired which was a new thing for both of us. We have been through church splits and other drama for sure, but this felt a little different. It reminded us that we serve God, not man, and that people come and go, but God remains the same - always.

8. We had the BEST family vacation on three islands together. We ate, swam, jet skied, did the movies, ate, swam, checked out new places, swam, went to festivals and took boat rides. The boys said that it was the best vacation that we have ever had - for the WIN!

9. Covid got us. All four of us had covid in the last ten months and it was dreadful. Maurice ended up in the ICU for a while but successfully recovered after about a month. We were SO over it, but so many people showed us lots of love during that time and we were grateful.

10. God kept our marriage and family together. We do not take that for granted, ever. 

While the Spouse was Away...

At times, we have traveled away from each other. Sometimes it is for work, other times for a short break or vacation with friends. This past summer, Maurice was gone for a week and then I left for the following weekend. Our trips overlapped so we missed seeing each other for about 10 days! It was the longest that we have ever spent time apart.

Let's be real honest here. In a marriage, you have to have safeguards to prevent sin from creeping in. Being away from your spouse for too long can quickly and easily lead to pornography, adultery, masturbation and other non-sexual sin. 

God's made us all sexual creatures and His plan for us as a married couple is to be together in every way. You have to make a plan in order to prevent opportunities for temptation. We have had the same plan for years and we praise God that we have been able to remain faithful to each other even when we are apart. This is not a suggestion, you need a real plan, like, for real!

Communication

I was posting some pictures of my recent birthday girl's trip on instagram and I asked my audience about how they keep in touch with their spouses while traveling separately. I shared about how we text often and videochat each day. We send pictures and let everyone that may be traveling with us know that we are married and unavailable to "go out" to places where singles mingle. 

On the instagram feed, I got a lot of good responses. Check them out!

Physical Touch

This does not seem like a big deal, but watch touching anyone of the opposite sex. Even a "friendly" tap on the arm or a short hug can get someone really excited about you. Staring too long or even a smile can lead someone on. We are not saying to avoid being kind, but make sure that your motives are pure because many times, other people's motives are not.

Wear your Rings

I guess that this is obvious, but not as popular as it used to be. Although it does not stop any sin at all, it is at least a signal that you are taken. It is also a reminder of your vows to each other. Keeping them on is an easy thing to do. If it helps, why not?

Dress Modestly

The more attention you bring to yourself while away from your spouse, the more likely you are to get it. Please do not mistake me for saying that you should "dumb yourself down". Once again, this is about your heart, motives and intentions. You do not have to be at THAT place at THAT time wearing THAT. You know what I mean. Infidelity starts in the mind and heart. 

We try to be modest all the time, even on vacation. We expose skin for each other, not for pictures!

Speaking of pictures, here are a few from our separate times away....

Maurice's away room

Anita's away room

Common area with pool

Hot tub

Enjoying the views

Still wearing the wedding ring!

Dating on Vacation

Here are FOUR quick ways to date while on vacation. We have always had a date day when we go on our family vacations. I mean...face it, most couples on family vacation could use a day away from the kids right? Our boys know our routine by now. They used to get jealous about our adventures, but our marriage is a priority and they needed to know that.

This year we had a staycation and while our boys had a camp day, we took time for ourselves. It didn't take much to make it happen and some of our social media friends were impressed, so we thought we would share about how to make your next vacation date amazing!

There are four things that we do consistently in dating (whether we are on vacation or not).

1. Make a plan.

2. Keep it simple.

3. Do something you both love.

4. Make it memorable.

Make a Plan

We are definitely planners. Maurice was raised an only child and Anita is a first-born, so planning is a thing for us. It helps to know about what day, time and activity is available in the location where you will be. There is nothing like looking forward to an event that is cancelled or a restaurant that is closed! However, perhaps part of your dating adventure is spontaneity. Just be sure that you both are guaranteed a great time and that all planning is done well in advance!

Keep it Simple

We like to make a list of what we would like to do AND a back-up plan of extra activities that we might do. This is a stress-reliever and a good way to simplify overthinking this whole thing. We have usually picked a few places to eat, where to shop (because one of us like to do that) and a few "must dos". You do not always have to go small either. Our vacation dates are more elaborate because....hello...we are on vacation, so that leads back to planning of course!

Love it

Mutual fun is the best fun. We like to play games, watch movies, enjoy parks, do taste-testings or cook together, take walks, do sports and a host of other things. You will want to discuss this in advance , of course, and keep a running list of options. We also like to try new things together for the first time.

Make it Memorable

Whatever you do, make it memorable. You may want to surprise each other with gifts or take a couple photoshoot for fun. Part of the experience is to get those "first date vibes" back. Do all the things that you would do on a first date. Be the gentleman. Ladies, dress a little nicer and smell great! The possibilities to make your date memorable are limitless. Do some activities that you will be talking about for months later....we did!