Spousal Support in Bereavement - Missing Daddy

We have been silent on this blog. We have been quietly holding each other up. This is why.

Just a few years into our marriage, we lost Maurice's dad and on February 23rd my dad passed from earth to eternity. Some would say that we are now fatherless, but we beg to differ.

My father - Arnold Lee Harden gave his life to Jesus Christ as a teenager and served in his local church. He then married, had three girls and became a deacon in his latter years.

We know that life begins when we receive Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior, so my dad is living his BEST life right now! I got that full revelation on Easter Sunday weekend. I was tempted to deeply mourn during the holidays, but then, I remembered that this year was my dad's first Easter with Jesus Himself - how glorious!

All couples deal with death differently. When your spouse is hurting, how do you support them? Here are a few things that Maurice did for me.

Letting Me Cry

I do not think I have ever cried so much on my life. I cried morning, noon and night. I cried in the shower, at work and at the grocery store. Everything reminded me of my loss. I was not okay. Allowing tears and being a shoulder that is there brings comfort.

Feeding Me

During bereavement some people lose weight, others cannot eat. It is important to maintain good health. There were times when I lost track of time and could not remember what day it was, or if I had eaten yet. Watch your mourning spouse and pay attention to their physical health. I was fragile in more ways than one.

Staying With Me

He made the sacrifice to be at my father's funeral with me even though he had chemotherapy immediately following. I will never forget that loving support! Presence is invaluable.❤️ 

Showing Patience

During loss, your spouse may need you by their side more than ever. Or they may need more quiet time alone. Emotions can shift greatly during this time, so patience is key.

Praying For Me

Prayer can never be underestimated. Little did I know that my anemia had worstened during this time. I was not taking my vitamins and supplements. By the time of my next Dr appointment,  they were considering blood transfusions. Thank God they were not needed. When I asked Maurice if he was praying for me, he said "Yes". It was music to my ears.

The loss of both of our dads has brought us closer to our Heavenly Father and definitely to each other.

Death is hard but death without Jesus is harder.

As a couple, we have been supportive of each other in life and in death keeping our vows. Bereavement can last a very long time. Prayerfully your marriage will outlast it.

Communicate Better in 2024

 

Men and Women are different. We communicate differently. Some of us are talkers, others are better at listening. We actually comprehend on various levels that depend on our cirucumstances, mood and history with the person with which we are speaking. Even the words that we are using may have shades of meaning that we did not even intend.

Communication is both sharing and understanding. When couples both seek to come to a mutual understanding that is the best starting point. Our goal may be to resolve a conflict or make a decision. Once we share our heart with each other, the next step is being able to completely comprehend your partner's position as well.

Here are ten ways for couples to improve communication and increase understanding quickly.

- Pray together every day. This will help you align your hearts and minds with God's will and purpose for your marriage. "For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them." (Matthew 18:20) This may be a new commitment to some, but this is your primary relationship after Christ. It is worth the time to pray together daily.

- Listen actively and empathetically. Don't interrupt, judge, or criticize your spouse when they are sharing their thoughts and feelings. Try to understand their perspective and emotions. Men tend to be more logical and factual, while women tend to be more intuitive and emotional. "Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry." (James 1:19) Some couples have even set a timer to give each person equal time to "have their say".

- Use "I" statements instead of "you" statements. This will help you express your needs and feelings without blaming or accusing your spouse of anything. "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." (Ephesians 4:29) It may also help to let your spouse know that your intention is never to anger or upset them.

- Avoid sarcasm, name-calling, and insults. These are hurtful and disrespectful ways of communicating that can damage your relationship and trust. "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." (Ephesians 4:29) Eliminate these things completely. 

HOW you communicate is just as important and WHAT you are saying.

- Share positive feedback and appreciation. Don't take your spouse for granted or focus only on the negative aspects of your marriage. Tell them what you love and admire about them and how they make you happy. Men need respect and admiration, while women need love and affection. "However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." (Ephesians 5:33) No matter what you are saying, add something positive or affirmative - it will be better received.

- Schedule regular date nights and quality time. This will help you reconnect and enjoy each other's company. You can also use this time to discuss important issues or goals in a relaxed and romantic setting. "Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love." (Ecclesiastes 9:9) Marriage should be fun! Every week or a couple of times a month prioritize the one your soul loves.

- Learn your spouse's love language and speak it often. Everyone has a different way of expressing and receiving love, such as words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, physical touch, or quality time. Find out what makes your spouse feel loved and do it frequently. "Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others." (Philippians 2:4) This really does make a huge difference when you individualize loving your mate.

- Seek professional help if needed. Sometimes, communication problems are too complex or deep-rooted to be solved by yourselves. Don't be ashamed or afraid to ask for help from a counselor, pastor, or mentor who can guide you through the process of healing and restoration. "Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety." (Proverbs 11:14)

- Be honest and transparent. Don't hide anything from your spouse or lie to them about anything EVER. Trust is essential for a healthy and happy marriage, and it can only be built on honesty and integrity. "Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body." (Ephesians 4:25)

- Forgive and ask for forgiveness. No one is perfect, and we all make mistakes. Don't hold grudges or resentment against your spouse for their faults or failures. Be quick to forgive them and ask for their forgiveness when you mess up. "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." (Ephesians 4:32)

We hope that these things will greatly improve your relationship in 2024. Keep trying. Keep practicing love and all things will "..work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28)

We are NOT Falling in Love

Love is a choice. You do not fall into it. It is a verb because love requires action. Those actions are big and small - from giving roses to saying "I do". 

The word LOVE is used so casually that it has begun to lose its significance. Love is not sex. Unfortunately, people love their spouses in the same way they love their sports teams. There needs to be a difference. What is that difference?

 Jesus makes the difference in how we love. Greater love has no man than this: That a man lay down his life for a friend. Your spouse is your friend and one that you give up your entire single life for. That is why marriage vows are until death. 

Christ gave up his life for His Church as an example to us. It is no longer about "me" but about "we". Love is something that we both DO for each other and it requires sacrifice and commitment. Let's strive to keep our spouse's love tanks full by doing the same things that won them in the first place. Then let's add to that!

And giving roses doesn't hurt either :)

Raising a Man as a Couple!

Wishing a Happy Birthday to our now 18 year-old son!

 Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it. Proverbs 22:6

The Marriage Mastermind

The term mastermind is the popular phrase now to get information and direct access from an industry expert in record time. They are bursts of quality expertise in a crash course to propel you to success in whatever field you are investing in.

The question we propose is - What would a Marriage Mastermind look like?

The best of the best would offer their strategic and time-tested remedies for every imaginable marriage dilemma. Perhaps there would be an offer to improve your marriage within a certain timeframe guaranteed or you and your spouse's money back. This mastermind might include a book, course or several sessions aimed at the most common painpoints that most couples experience.

This actually sounds great, but maybe a tad unrealistic. Marriage is not a "one size fits all" relationship project. It is complex, dynamic and involves much more work than a mere marriage mastermind solution.

Ironically however, there is a mastermind behind the idea of marriage. Its author is God Himself. It is stated in the Bible that "what God has joined together, let no man put asunder". The idea of "one flesh" in marriage is referring to both body and soul. Only God can do that. He is the inventor of marriage.

If He cannot fix your marriage, no one can.

Knowing God's mind on the topic of marriage would change everything about how we approach this relationship, right? It is as if, you invested in a brand new technology and just tried to figure it out on your own without ever reading the instructions. You may have some workable solutions to navigate its use and functions, but there would still be so much untapped potential and underused value.

Fortunately for us there is a guidebook for marriage and its inventor is readily available to assist us in understanding the value and great potential in our relationships. That guidebook is the Bible and the inventor is God.

He is The Mastermind and when we have the mind of Christ, we can know His great intentions and design for the institution of marriage. Not only that, but He gives us the Holy Spirit (who never leaves us), to ensure that our lives are aligned with His perfect will. You can't ask for more than a personal technician on call 24/7!

We don't know all the answers to marriage problems or claim to have all solutions, but we do know the One who does. Make Him your consultant and let the Master guide you.

Marriage Fears

Fear of marriage is beginning to be a real thing. Some people are scared to say "I do", others are experiencing other real fears in their marriage.

Here are the top three reasons why there is fear to marry, as well as three scriptures to dispel fear.

1. Many say "There is no need to be married to express love to a significant other". I have heard people who use this argument say that marriage is just a peice of paper. However, love is an action word. We need to display our love to another by what we do. Commitment of a man to a woman is how God has encouraged us through His word to do that.

2. Not knowing how to be married or never seeing a successful marriage is another reason for fear. Why try if majority of marriages fail or end in divorce? We should try because the Word of God already lets us know that marriage is a blessing for many reasons including emotionally, physically and financially just to name a few.

3. Being married previously to "the wrong person" can be a discouragement. Someone may believe that marriage cannot work, or that it cannot work for them. Although it is true that many marriages fail or end in divorce, that it not a good reason to not take the risk. 

What God joins together can stay together if we include Him.

First, marriage is not a commandment. You do not need to marry to please God. Most people marry because they actually want to be. They want a life partner, to have children and to be loved. None of those are bad reasons to commit your life to someone else. The fact is, that the bigger issue is the fear behind your decision. Let's look at some scripture to help us.

1. Perfect love casts out fear. Fear is tormenting. (1 John 4:18) The spirit of fear is an unrelentless torturer of the mind and will paralyze you into never wanting to get married. It must be cast out and replaced with God's unrelenting love.

2. God has not given us the spirit of fear but of power and of love and of a sound mind. (2 Timothy 1:7) Understand that all things are from God or from the enemy. Fear is from the enemy only. If you have it, you need to recognize

3. Have not I commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, the the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. (Joshua 1:9) Marriage takes courage and strength. It is not for the faint of heart and you need God to have a healthy marriage.

Now let's address some different marriage fears:

Fear of your spouse - The Lord is my light and my salvation, whom shall I fear. The Lord is the strength of my Life; of whom shall I be afraid? (Psalm 27:1) The Lord says that we shoud fear no one but God. If you are afraid of your mate, that is not of God. Decide to allow the Lord to control your mind and ask Him to help you to surrender all fear to Him. 

Fear of divorce - Therefore they are no more twain but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man put asunder. (Matthew 19:6) Sometimes separations and divorce happen and it is never God's ideal plan. He brought woman to man to be a helpmeet and it was good. Not being together would be bad. To be anxious about divorce is to be anxious about something that has not happened. It is worry and God commands us not to worry about tomorrow. Exercise your faith by applying this scripture to your heart. What God puts together, He can hold together.

Fear has torment. It is a battle of the mind to keep you in captivity. Ask God to relieve all fear and to relinquish its power of you. It is False Evidence Appearing Real. Be filled with Faith instead in Jesus name!

Eating & Fasting Together!

 To our faithful readers, you already know that Anita had to take the lead on writing this. So here it is.

EATING

If you are like Maurice and I, that means that you are a bonafide "foodie". We love most foods. What is a foodie? A foodie is someone who loves food more than anything else in the world. A foodie is someone who can tell the difference between a brie and a camembert, a pinot noir and a merlot, a sushi and a sashimi, white tea versus red. A foodie is someone who travels the world in search of new flavors, new cuisines, new experiences. A foodie is typically someone who lives to eat, not eats to live. But we don't go that far, lol!

Food is important to culture and society and dare we say to marriage as well? Food is more than just nourishment for our bodies. Food is a way of expressing ourselves, our identities, our values, our beliefs. Food is a way of connecting with others, of sharing stories, of creating memories. Food is a way of celebrating life, of honoring traditions, of exploring diversity. Food is a way of learning about ourselves, our spouses and the world around us.

Most people meet, greet and even date around FOOD. If food was important when you were dating, it's most definietly still important now. It's not only a way to learn about your spouse, but it can be romantic as well. Ever heard of aphrodisiacs? Even preparing a meal or cooking together is bonding for us.

Eating healthy together is even more sexy! Food can improve your mood and health. Eating well can boost your energy, mood, and immunity. It can also reduce stress and prevent diseases. A healthy couple is a happy couple, right? Food can be fun and adventurous or even dangerous! Experimenting with new recipes, ingredients, or flavors can add some excitement and variety to your marriage. You can also challenge each other to cook-offs, bake-offs, or food fights. Food is not only essential for survival, but also for a thriving marriage. So don't neglect the power of food in your relationship. 

FASTING

Equally important to eating and experiencing food is self-control and knowing when to stop. There are several reasons. Some are biblical, some are financial and some are physically necessary. There is a time to eat and a time not to. The extremes of overeating or not eating enough can be very unhealthy. Fating together should be planned with caution, but it can have amazing results.

Once, prior to one of Maurice's procedures he had to fast. Basically, he was obstaining from food so that the results would be more accurate. A way to show my support was to fast with him. I didn't have to, but it drew us closer. If you are trying to make a mutual decision or resolve some issues in your marriage, you might want to consider fasting as a part of your gameplan. You may be pleasantly surprised at how much clarity is gained when you replace reading the Bible with the average "three square meals a day".

Perhaps it's not that serious and you're just looking for a way to gain closeness, spice up your marriage or do something new. Why not try fasting together? Fasting is not only good for your health, but also for your spiritual health and relationship. Here are some other benefits of fasting together in marriage:

- You'll save money on food and spend more time talking to each other. Obviously!

- You'll have more energy and stamina for...other activities. 😉

- You'll appreciate each other more when you break the fast with a delicious meal.

- You'll bond over the shared challenge and support each other through the hunger pangs.

- You'll learn to be more grateful for what you have and less attached to material things.

You'll be amazed by the results. Just remember to drink plenty of water and consult your doctor (and your spouse's) before starting any fasting regimen. That is my nursing two cents.