Parenting Proverbs

 

Find Anita's new ebook at bit.ly/authoranita

Time Apart in Marriage?

Many people subscribe to the idea of time spent apart while married is healthy while others suggest that being seen together more is better for the relationship. Let's look at the pluses and minuses of both!

Being Apart

Does absence make the heart grow fonder really? Taking some time away from your spouse can be refreshing and give one a sense of relief from the norm. It has become a more common thing for spouses to have a girls or guys night out or even a weekend, or a whole week. Absence makes the heart grow fonder right?

There is a great sense of relief to step out of the norm and spend some time with others besides your husband or wife. Most people do not think of this time as a vacation from their family but rather a time to get refreshed and bring their best selves back to their families.

The demands of home can be daunting and feel overwhelming. So having someone else cook for a change, or being able to really binge your favorite sport with the guys can be exhilarating for a while. 

Being Together

At some point however, you should miss your spouse and long to return to them. After all, isn't that what marriage is about. You go from being single and longing to spend every single moment together to hoping to "catch a breather" with just friends.

In the Bible, there really is nothing that speaks to being away from your marriage partner except the physical aspect of pausing intimacy for a time to seek the Lord during prayer and fasting. Some could make the case that being apart could lead to adultery, fornication and pornography temptations and should therefore be avoided as much as possible. 

Some say "don't look single if you are not". Hopefully, spending time away does not involve something akin to a bachelor or bachelorette party. In addition, shouldn't your spouse be closer to you than anyone, share your secrets and be your closest friend?

What We Think

We had an interesting discussion about this and found ourselves on different sides of this controversy. We disagreed about there being a need to be together all the time, and that having away time can be healthy. We agreed that spouses should always represent their marriage wherever they go and with whoever they are around.

It is up to each couple to decide if time away is something that both parties can agree on and for how long. Knowing your own spouse and making this decision together is the most important part. There is no sin against spending some time apart, but the Bible does encourage spouses to get back together soon to do what married people do! 

Do not deprive each other [of marital rights], except perhaps by mutual consent for a time, so that you may devote yourselves [unhindered] to prayer, but come together again so that Satan will not tempt you [to sin] because of your lack of self-control. 1 Corinthians 7:5 

                                     

                                      What are your thoughts? We would love to hear from you too!

The Marriage Bed of Roses

Marriage is a bed of roses - with thorns. All the pricks, passions and perfumes are enough to attract people to it, but then few stay despite it all.

A couple of wives and I wrote a book recently depicting our initial episodes of "falling in love", having difficulty in marriage and how its aroma stays fresh after many years. I was excited to participate, but wondered what I could share.

Sometimes writing comes naturally for me, and other times, not so much. I really prayed about what to share and how to make it relevant for readers - the wives that would be looking forward to gleaning from my so-called wisdom after 21 years of being married to the same guy.

Today my shipment of books arrived!

I finally re-read what I wrote in the book and I am confident that God is glorified. I was encouraged by the words that the Holy Spirit had me pen in this particular book on marriage. Not only is there sharing of my personal experiences as a wife, but great takeaways that convicted me TODAY! Only God can do something like that.

So please read it and let me know your thoughts. It was a labor of love and care for all the wives like me that need to know that there is another sister who "gets it" when it comes to the marriage pricks, passions and perfumes.  bit.ly/authoranita

Twenty-Twenty-Three (2023) Interrupted

 

Happy New Year to all our Readers!

We took a hiatus to focus on us, our marriage and family. We had to make some major adjustments, relocate some family members and pray through more medical issues. Yet, the Lord has continued to bless our marriage through it all.

Today, let's share about interruptions. Life starts off pretty good at the start of a New Year, but then your plans, agenda and calendar may take an alternate path than what you intended. You and your spouse together need to be prepared.

When life gets interrupted from your usual marriage routine, you have to do three things that we have found to be helpful. We have to acknowledge the change, see what scripture has to say about about it and then decide together what our next course of action will be. Most any decision can be made that way.

Acknowledge the Change

Some changes are very obvious while others are barely noticeable. It is when the changes begin to encroach on life that we identify them. Ignoring them is never the right choice. Everything in your household affects your marriage in one way or another.

Seek Scripture on the Issue

Once identified, just about every issue can be found in the Word of God either directly or in principle. Even somethings as simple as researching a topic on the Bible App can help you find scriptures to apply to your life and marriage.

Decide on our Action

This part is simple. We can choose to align our responses to the changes that we experience in our lives and marriages with scripture or attempt to fix them on our own. How you wonder? Commit scripture to memory. Join in prayer with others of faith. Move in obedience knowing that God will not let His Word be void in your situation.

For example, we thought that my parents were well enough to care for themselves and to make sound medical and financial decisions. It was not until Covid hit that we realized that was not the case. They need us to intervene regularly so we moved them closer to the family. It could have greatly upset our marriage to make this move but we followed these steps. We acknowledged that this was serious and the Bible says:

But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever. 1 Timothy 5:8

It was not an option for us to not provide for our parents according to the Word of God. It was hard to suddenly become caregivers, but we did. We decided as a family to make it work and to support everyone involved.

Today, we are grateful that although 2022 and the beginning of 2023 were difficult, God kept us and our parents. Challenges and changes happen, but God promises us direction for today and tomorrow.

Ten Months Later

It has been exactly ten months since our last post. A lot has changed that has changed us. And most of that is for the better. With all of the ups and downs of marriage we have made it to our twenty-one-year anniversary. What a feat, lol! 

So, in the spirit of a true recap, here are 10 things that have happened over the last ten months:

1. Our oldest son began driving. It was spooky yet, satisfying. Anita hates to drive so she was relieved. He is very good at driving and looks forward to passing his driver's license exam. Hopefully he sets a great example for the next kid.

2. Chemo continued. Although numbers stayed mostly the same, oncologists like to be on the safe side, so it's been weekly for a long time now. Maurice is a champion and lives every day to the fullest. You would never know anything was going on!

3. Our parents got older and frailer. Now we assist them on a regular basis. It helps if you are a caregiver to have family meetings, scheduled doctor appointments and a time of rest for yourself. Anita became co-chair of an organization called Angels on Duty. Find it here if you are a caregiver in need of support and prayer. Caregiving puts a strain on marriages.

4. Anita needs glasses now. She got lasik eye surgery years ago, but it doesn't last forever. One thing about marriage is that people change too and so do their looks. It helps to marry for the right reasons for sure. Fall in love with their heart not their exterior.

5. We celebrated lots of birthdays, anniversaries, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Valentine's Day, and another called Reformation Day that most people are not aware of, lol! Look it up.

6. A leadership honor society selected Anita to be a member. It is called the National Society of Leadership and Success (NSLS.org) Also, she is now the official leader over all things Missions at The Singwell Church online.

7. The Pastor of our congregation retired which was a new thing for both of us. We have been through church splits and other drama for sure, but this felt a little different. It reminded us that we serve God, not man, and that people come and go, but God remains the same - always.

8. We had the BEST family vacation on three islands together. We ate, swam, jet skied, did the movies, ate, swam, checked out new places, swam, went to festivals and took boat rides. The boys said that it was the best vacation that we have ever had - for the WIN!

9. Covid got us. All four of us had covid in the last ten months and it was dreadful. Maurice ended up in the ICU for a while but successfully recovered after about a month. We were SO over it, but so many people showed us lots of love during that time and we were grateful.

10. God kept our marriage and family together. We do not take that for granted, ever. 

One Married Life to Live

 September was a very rough month for our family. With everyone getting covid, including one of us ending up in the ICU, there was little time to keep updated in posting on the blog. But in every situation, we always look to hear for what God is saying. This past month, God reminds us that there is only one married life to live.

 Ephesians 5: 22 Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. 23 The man said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman,' for she was taken out of man." 24 That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife , and they become one flesh.

Marriage is until death do us part. When illness happens, it reminds us how frail we are and how precious life is. It also reminds us that these relationships are temporary and most important above all others. We experience it together, as one. When one is hurting so is the other. When one is cheered, the other also experiences joy. The ribs cover the lungs. In Christ we live and breath, move and have our being (Acts 17:25-28). We are one flesh and we have one married life to share with each other.

Unlike the soap opera "One life to life", which started in 1968 and ran on television for more than 40 years, our relationships are not fictional. So how do we maximize the married lives that we have?

1. Thank God for the gift of life. Being intentionally grateful keeps you from complaining. We all could find something wrong at every moment. Choose to stay positive and hopeful even when there seems to be no reason to be. Help your spouse to do the same. When one of you is weak in faith, the other is usually stronger.

2. Overlook offences. At some point we feel as though we are owed better in marriage. Some say that they "didn't sign up for this". It takes the power of the Holy Spirit to show the type of humility that swallows hurt by someone so close. When offended we need to address the issue, then choose to continue to pray instead of retaliate if it is not resolved.

3. Enjoy your marriage and encourage your spouse. Something as simple as saying something genuinely kind to your marriage partner daily can keep your relationship headed in the right direction. Think of at least one thing (or a few) and then pray to the Lord for opportunities to convey your sentiments. You do not want to be fake. Ask God to prepare your heart.

Do not let anything harm your marriage. Stay faithful not just sexually, but faithful to do your part in marriage maintenance. You may have to "go first" in being grateful, overlooking offence or being encouraging but your relationship is worth it. We always say that marriage is ministry - one until death do us part.

Fostering Oneness in Marriage

Your marriage matters. How you represent yourself as a couple to others is important. Sometimes you may forget that you are a unit with your spouse. They are an extension of you and vice versa. When you mess up this reflects on them, when they do, it is yours to own as well. While some things are not "your fault" there are some things that you will have to deal with because this is your relationship for better or for worse. What you each do, or do not do, will affect each other.

If marriage is supposed to represent Christ and the Church then we all have work to do. We do not believe that the job of looking like Christ lies solely to the man or being the Church is just for the woman. It is the beauty of sacrifice, unity and order that we are striving for.

When a wife is truly her husband's helper and gives him support, love and encouragement she emphasizes building trust. When a husband defends his wife, listens to her concerns and remains faithful he has built and strengthened their relationship.

Being one is physical and mental. Knowing your spouse is key to this oneness. Take the time to learn your mate in both ways! Then eventually, you will find yourself saying what they say and doing what they do and vice versa. Decision-making becomes easier, parenting is better and oneness happens over time. It's a God-thing!

In marriage we redefine ourselves as we get closer together, then people begin to identify us as a team, a unit. It helps to do things together, be seen together, refer to each other often and let everyone know that your spouse's opinion needs to be consulted before making decisions. Although these ideas seem to be old-fashioned, they work to bring you closer together and increase the longevity of your relationship.

We are certainly not pros at this, but the more you seek to be one, the more people see you that way. The more people see you that way, the more you look like Christ and the Church - one Body.