The "Whose Family for Christmas?" Covenant: Keeping C.H.R.I.S.T. in Your Holiday Plans

Can you feel it? The air is getting crisp, the nights are drawing in, and the spirit of the holidays is just around the corner. It's a season of joy, of giving, and of celebrating the birth of our Savior. You might also feel knots in your stomach or the increased heart rate from even thinking about the planning with family that the holidays bring.

For so many married couples, this season can bring a familiar, heavy blanket of stress. It’s the sound of the question that echoes in homes every November: "So... where are we going for Christmas?"

It’s the annual "tug-of-war." The tense negotiations. The feeling of being split in two, trying to please two different, wonderful families who both love you and want to see you. We are blessed in this area; with his family in Indiana and Texas, and mine in Ohio, our holiday travel is often decided by geography. But ours hearts have sat with so many other couples who feel torn apart by this very issue. One spouse feels guilty, the other feels unheard, and resentment begins to build, all before the first carol is even sung!

But what if we reframed this entire conversation? What if, instead of seeing it as a problem to be solved, we saw it as an opportunity to strengthen our covenant?

The goal, actually, is not to find a "perfect" schedule. The goal is to have a peaceful home. And the only way to do that is to keep Christ at the center of your Christmas, Amen?

To help us navigate this, I want to offer a framework. It’s an acronym (surprise, surprise) that has blessed me, and I pray it blesses you: C.H.R.I.S.T.

C - Covenant Comes First

Before you were a son-in-law or a daughter-in-law, you became a husband or a wife. The Word is very clear on this point: "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh." (Genesis 2:24, KJV).

Your "one flesh" union is your primary ministry, as we have said before. It is the family unit you are commanded to nurture and protect. This means the first question isn't, "What will make my parents happy?" The first question, prayed over together, is, "What will bring peace to our home and strengthen our covenant?" You and your spouse must be a united front.

H - Honor, But Don't Obey

The commandment to "Honour thy father and thy mother" (Ephesians 6:2, KJV) does not end when you get married. However, the nature of that honor changes. It shifts from a dynamic of obedience (as a child) to one of respect (as an adult). You can deeply honor your parents—speaking to them with love, valuing their traditions, setting aside time for them—without obeying a demand that brings strife and division to your own marriage. Honoring your parents should never come at the expense of dishonoring your spouse. Once, we ditched our whole Ohio family and spent the entire holiday in Indiana. It was a mutual decision.

R - Release Expectations

So much of our holiday stress comes from the "tyranny of the shoulds." We should go to my mom's, we've done it for 20 years. We should split the day, even if it means 5 hours in the car. We should make everyone happy.

I want to give you permission, in the name of Jesus, to release yourselves from the burden of everyone else's expectations. Release the guilt. Release the "way it's always been done." Your new family deserves the freedom to find its own rhythm.

I - Innovate Your Traditions

This is the joyful part! When you release old expectations, you create space to innovate new traditions. Who says you have to travel on Christmas Day at all?

Perhaps you decide that Christmas morning is a sacred, quiet time for just your immediate family, and you'll visit other relatives on Christmas Eve or the following weekend. Maybe you decide to host both families (if they are near). Once we even invited a totally different family over and we loved it! Or perhaps you alternate years. There is no "right" way. Find the "your" way, and protect it.

S - Seek Peace and Pursue It

"Depart from evil, and do good; seek peace, and pursue it." (Psalm 34:14, KJV). The Lord doesn't just ask us to like peace; He commands us to pursue it—to chase after it!

Sometimes, the most peace-filled decision is the one that, on the surface, seems to disappoint the most people. It might be saying "no" to all travel and staying home. This may feel difficult in the short term, but it yields the long-term harvest of a peaceful, resentment-free home. The goal is peace, not pleasing everyone.

T - Talk with Thanksgiving

Once you and your spouse are a united front and have a plan, communicate it to your families with a heart of gratitude, not apology.

Don't say, "I'm so sorry, Mom, but..."

Try saying, "Mom, we are so incredibly blessed to have two amazing families who love us so much. We've been praying about how to honor everyone while also protecting our marriage. This year, we're going to [Your Plan]. We love you so much and are so excited to celebrate with you on [Your Chosen Time]."

Frame it from a place of love and blessing, not obligation and stress.

Dear couples, your marriage is a gift. Your peace is a gift. Don't let the stress of a single day steal the joy of the entire season. When you put the C.H.R.I.S.T. framework first, you'll find that your plans, and your heart, will be centered on the right thing: Him.

Let's pray together:

Heavenly Father, we thank you for the gift of marriage and the blessing of family. We come to you this holiday season asking for wisdom. Where there is division, bring unity. Where there is stress, bring Your peace. Help us to guard our covenant and to make decisions that honor You and bless our spouse. Give us the grace to communicate with love and the courage to seek peace above all. In the precious name of Jesus, we pray. Amen.

Blessings and love,

The Mckaneys'

Sacred Holidays - A Right Perspective of Holidays, Rituals and Traditions

Traditions, holidays and celebrations - Oh, how we love them! From landmark birthdays to Christmas, we find reasons to rejoice, sing, laugh and give gifts. God implemented times of feasting and partying in the Old Testament. It was His idea to set apart spaces of time for events such as these.

Holy days were times of remembrance and eating and great fellowship among God's people. They celebrated Passover, Esther's brave saving of the Jewish population and took days of rest. However, I wonder if our parties have changed into tradition and unspoken law that is more harmful to us than helpful these days.

For example, some birthday traditions are extreme where people spend extraordinary amounts of money all in celebration of themselves. In some celebrations, people become so drunk that they cannot even recall the event they attended. Some christians and churches demand tradition and it becomes legalistic instead of celebratory. This should not be.

Recently, I have read the book "Sacred Holidays: Less Chaos, More Jesus" by Becky Kiser. I was pleasantly reminded of how we miss the opportunities to rejoice in celebration as God intends. In the book, Becky explains that it is to be used as a reference for us to examine the reasons why we celebrate and to reframe our holidays in a God-honoring way.

Our traditions and rituals should never compete with the Word of God. It should be enhanced and compliment our walk with Christ.

Do not let your traditions be in vain. Do not make idols from your symbolic remembrances. As Christ followers, we do not push Christ aside or lay down our Holy Hats to have a girls trip. Real fun is knowing and living out righteousness in everywhere we go and in everything we do. We rejoice because of Jesus not in spite of Him!

Winter Romance: Four Ideas for when you are NOT in the mood

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When it is cold out and the snow is falling, things can happen! This is baby-making season as some say, lol. However, the reality is that as much as we may be showing physical attention to our spouses, we may not be meeting their emotional needs. Romance (especially for a woman) is so much more than sex. In the winter season, the fact is that stress and sadness can cloud our attempts at being and reciprocating romance. As much as we are physically together, we may actually be very distanced in other ways. Depression, grieving and anxiety can take a toll on a marriage especially around the holidays.

Some couples seem to have it all together. They happily celebrate the highs in life and support each other through the lows. Everything looks so perfect from the outside. Yet we all know that any good marriage takes much work and intentionality. We have to be willing to give and willing to receive. You may not always be in the mood either. Heck, you might not even like your spouse right now, but we have to rely on the Lord to make these relationships work.

Romance reminds us that the other person is thinking of us. We have four great romantic ideas to share that will not add to the stress of the winter season. While they may seem unconventional, try them and let us know how it goes!

Mood buster #1: Reminisce good times

Recalling happy times together can cure the winter blues sometimes. We like to look at older pictures and even the video of our wedding day and honeymoon together. Romance does not have to be expensive. It has to be meaningful.

We often worry about the future so take a moment with your spouse to relive the good. Recollect details about events and people and relish those memories. Make them smile.

Mood buster #2: Pray Together

Yes it is not on most people's list of "most romantic things to do with your spouse", but we guarantee that it is!! How much more intimate can you be than approaching the all-powerful throne of God as a couple? In the book of Genesis, Adam and Eve hid from the Lord together, but what could have happened if they confessed their sins to Him together instead?

Even praying for your loved ones and each other's personal needs touches a deep place in the heart of your spouse. It is one of the most romantic things that you can do.

Mood buster #3: Get Warm!

If you have been following the blog for a while, you know that Anita gets very cold in the winter. Something as simple as taking a warm shower together or cuddling for longer in bed (without expecting anything) can be very romantic for her.

Another suggestion would be talking by a fire with some cocoa after a cold walk outside. See how that works - cold, then warm....and maybe HOT if you get lucky, lol.


Mood buster #4: Gifts

Recently, Maurice surprised me when I came home, just because. It was a beautifully wrapped box of chocolates. Thoughtfulness goes a long way in a marriage. Often it is the little things (like the fact that he knows that white chocolate is my fav), that makes a difference.

Maybe food is not the gift you should give. It may be an experience or perhaps a book. There are several really great gifts out there and we would like to offer you our sale code through this link to ChurchSource. Options abound, but gifts that draw your spouse closer to God are priceless. Here is a tip for the guys. Click the link below or ask her to pick something out for herself, especially if she likes to shop!

Get her the perfect gift from ChurchSource.com!

Sometimes it is not even the gift itself, but how it is given that matters more. Some people like surprises while others want to know exactly what is about to happen. You know your spouse best. Even when you are not in the mood, no one can romance them like you. Make an effort. Keep your marriage fresh and alive, even in the dead of winter.

Staying married over the Holidays

When we first got married the holidays were the best times for us. We look forward to meeting each other's families and growing relationships. Then it was the children! Oh boy, what fun it was to share our newborn bundles with everyone. There was plenty of picture taking and sharing stories.

Then, as our family grew, it was a matter of who was hosting during the holiday season. Who has an apartment large enough? Who has a house? How many people can you accommodate? There was always a question about the food. Who is bringing what? So and so is a vegetarian, pescetarian or they're just a super picky eater. "I don't like the way she/he makes this/that". Then there was the matter of the activities. What are we going to do after we eat? Should we watch a movie? Should we have a singalong? Share testimonies? Maybe we should read a Bible verse or two since we are christians and everything.

After a while, holidays can get to be a hassle because it is more of a chore then enjoyment. Some family members might not get along as well as others. People are now divorced. Somebody is having a baby and it's not a good thing. What happened to our joy? As a couple, we began experiencing more stress and anxiety during the holiday time. The season that was supposed to be happy and joyous suddenly got the better of us. It got the better of our marriage too! We had disagreements about who should come and who should not. There issues about the food, the setting, the music. It was all too very complicated. After all the festivities are over, who wants to cuddle up by a fire and be romantic? We were TIRED! No mistletoe or New Years Eve kiss. And you can forget about sex!

What happened to the simplicity of Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Year's Day? Aren't these supposed to be the happiest times of the year? For many couples, it is not. Some couples are struggling with losses as well during the seasons. For whatever reason, it's not the way it used to be because so-and-so is gone. We miss grandma, grandpa, the kids before they were teens and had "better things to do". We missed seeing familiar faces that made the holidays so much better. This person is gone and so is their famous pie. Gosh! The holidays will never be the same.

Well let me give you three tips to ensure that you can stay married over the holidays. It IS possible to enjoy the holiday season with your spouse, even if you differ on if you should have a table just for the kids or not.

1. Plan a date. You may be thinking with all that I have to do and all of my appointments and all of the programs who has time for a date? Exactly! Make the time. Every November my husband and I get together to celebrate each other. It is a time to reconnect towards the end of the year and reminisce about our marriage. We talked about where we've been and where we're going. We enjoy each other's company and plan for the future. If your marriage is supposed to be your most important relationship, the others can wait.

2. Make your own traditions. I love our family traditions of how we open gifts and singing songs and many other things. However, when I got married I wanted us to have our very own family traditions. It is important to establish what you do at your house between each other. This will make your marriage stronger and will help you to navigate the holidays knowing that the two of you are working together, not against each other.

3. Remember the Reason for the Season. Among all the things that we have to do and all the to-do lists that we make for the holidays, there is nothing that will bring a couple closer together than keeping Jesus at the center. He is the reason that we made it through the year and the reason that we have a new one to look forward to. He is the reason that we celebrate Christmas and we can thank Him all year long, not just at Thanksgiving. All good marriages are held together by that glue.

So never fear! You can stay married during the holidays. This will be our 15th! Happy Every Day to you and your family from ours :)