Can you feel it? The air is getting crisp, the nights are drawing in, and the spirit of the holidays is just around the corner. It's a season of joy, of giving, and of celebrating the birth of our Savior. You might also feel knots in your stomach or the increased heart rate from even thinking about the planning with family that the holidays bring.
For so many married couples, this season can bring a familiar, heavy blanket of stress. It’s the sound of the question that echoes in homes every November: "So... where are we going for Christmas?"
It’s the annual "tug-of-war." The tense negotiations. The feeling of being split in two, trying to please two different, wonderful families who both love you and want to see you. We are blessed in this area; with his family in Indiana and Texas, and mine in Ohio, our holiday travel is often decided by geography. But ours hearts have sat with so many other couples who feel torn apart by this very issue. One spouse feels guilty, the other feels unheard, and resentment begins to build, all before the first carol is even sung!
But what if we reframed this entire conversation? What if, instead of seeing it as a problem to be solved, we saw it as an opportunity to strengthen our covenant?
The goal, actually, is not to find a "perfect" schedule. The goal is to have a peaceful home. And the only way to do that is to keep Christ at the center of your Christmas, Amen?
To help us navigate this, I want to offer a framework. It’s an acronym (surprise, surprise) that has blessed me, and I pray it blesses you: C.H.R.I.S.T.
C - Covenant Comes First
Before you were a son-in-law or a daughter-in-law, you became a husband or a wife. The Word is very clear on this point: "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh." (Genesis 2:24, KJV).
Your "one flesh" union is your primary ministry, as we have said before. It is the family unit you are commanded to nurture and protect. This means the first question isn't, "What will make my parents happy?" The first question, prayed over together, is, "What will bring peace to our home and strengthen our covenant?" You and your spouse must be a united front.
H - Honor, But Don't Obey
The commandment to "Honour thy father and thy mother" (Ephesians 6:2, KJV) does not end when you get married. However, the nature of that honor changes. It shifts from a dynamic of obedience (as a child) to one of respect (as an adult). You can deeply honor your parents—speaking to them with love, valuing their traditions, setting aside time for them—without obeying a demand that brings strife and division to your own marriage. Honoring your parents should never come at the expense of dishonoring your spouse. Once, we ditched our whole Ohio family and spent the entire holiday in Indiana. It was a mutual decision.
R - Release Expectations
So much of our holiday stress comes from the "tyranny of the shoulds." We should go to my mom's, we've done it for 20 years. We should split the day, even if it means 5 hours in the car. We should make everyone happy.
I want to give you permission, in the name of Jesus, to release yourselves from the burden of everyone else's expectations. Release the guilt. Release the "way it's always been done." Your new family deserves the freedom to find its own rhythm.
I - Innovate Your Traditions
This is the joyful part! When you release old expectations, you create space to innovate new traditions. Who says you have to travel on Christmas Day at all?
Perhaps you decide that Christmas morning is a sacred, quiet time for just your immediate family, and you'll visit other relatives on Christmas Eve or the following weekend. Maybe you decide to host both families (if they are near). Once we even invited a totally different family over and we loved it! Or perhaps you alternate years. There is no "right" way. Find the "your" way, and protect it.
S - Seek Peace and Pursue It
"Depart from evil, and do good; seek peace, and pursue it." (Psalm 34:14, KJV). The Lord doesn't just ask us to like peace; He commands us to pursue it—to chase after it!
Sometimes, the most peace-filled decision is the one that, on the surface, seems to disappoint the most people. It might be saying "no" to all travel and staying home. This may feel difficult in the short term, but it yields the long-term harvest of a peaceful, resentment-free home. The goal is peace, not pleasing everyone.
T - Talk with Thanksgiving
Once you and your spouse are a united front and have a plan, communicate it to your families with a heart of gratitude, not apology.
Don't say, "I'm so sorry, Mom, but..."
Try saying, "Mom, we are so incredibly blessed to have two amazing families who love us so much. We've been praying about how to honor everyone while also protecting our marriage. This year, we're going to [Your Plan]. We love you so much and are so excited to celebrate with you on [Your Chosen Time]."
Frame it from a place of love and blessing, not obligation and stress.
Dear couples, your marriage is a gift. Your peace is a gift. Don't let the stress of a single day steal the joy of the entire season. When you put the C.H.R.I.S.T. framework first, you'll find that your plans, and your heart, will be centered on the right thing: Him.
Let's pray together:
Heavenly Father, we thank you for the gift of marriage and the blessing of family. We come to you this holiday season asking for wisdom. Where there is division, bring unity. Where there is stress, bring Your peace. Help us to guard our covenant and to make decisions that honor You and bless our spouse. Give us the grace to communicate with love and the courage to seek peace above all. In the precious name of Jesus, we pray. Amen.
Blessings and love,
The Mckaneys'
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