Fostering Oneness in Marriage

Your marriage matters. How you represent yourself as a couple to others is important. Sometimes you may forget that you are a unit with your spouse. They are an extension of you and vice versa. When you mess up this reflects on them, when they do, it is yours to own as well. While some things are not "your fault" there are some things that you will have to deal with because this is your relationship for better or for worse. What you each do, or do not do, will affect each other.

If marriage is supposed to represent Christ and the Church then we all have work to do. We do not believe that the job of looking like Christ lies solely to the man or being the Church is just for the woman. It is the beauty of sacrifice, unity and order that we are striving for.

When a wife is truly her husband's helper and gives him support, love and encouragement she emphasizes building trust. When a husband defends his wife, listens to her concerns and remains faithful he has built and strengthened their relationship.

Being one is physical and mental. Knowing your spouse is key to this oneness. Take the time to learn your mate in both ways! Then eventually, you will find yourself saying what they say and doing what they do and vice versa. Decision-making becomes easier, parenting is better and oneness happens over time. It's a God-thing!

In marriage we redefine ourselves as we get closer together, then people begin to identify us as a team, a unit. It helps to do things together, be seen together, refer to each other often and let everyone know that your spouse's opinion needs to be consulted before making decisions. Although these ideas seem to be old-fashioned, they work to bring you closer together and increase the longevity of your relationship.

We are certainly not pros at this, but the more you seek to be one, the more people see you that way. The more people see you that way, the more you look like Christ and the Church - one Body.

 

Happy Anniversary!

 We made it!

Today is the day that we celebrate TWENTY years of marriage!

Despite the statistics we still love, honor and cherish... Here are a few pics of our weekend celebration:

Anniversary card and "Blessed" glasses set

Date at Hyde Park

Just Us enjoying each other

Our 20th Anniversary shirts

We STILL do!

Church in the parking lot with my mom

Another Date at the Movies 

Date foodie pics, lol

We are stuck together no matter what, lol!

How to get the Meat out of a Sermon

 All the good people tell us to go to church and get the Word. However, most do not disciple you how to hear from God when you go to church, how to maximize the message that you are hearing and what to do during the week.

If that is you, here are some ideas AND a way to help you to remember them!

First, pray before you go and ask God to open your heart and mind to what He has for you. Many times a Pastor will share the Word and we tend to think of how others could benefit from what is being said instead of concentrating on what the Lord may be trying to tell us. Ask God to give you focus and to really give you what you need in that moment. Thank Him for it in advance like a meal that you love and know it is coming. Set your expectations high.

Next, come prepared to receive God's message to you. One way to do this is to ask God to forgive you of all of your sin (even thoughts that do not please Him) so that, like preparing for a meal, you are "hungry" for the Word. (Psalm 23:5) Then bring utensils - your own Bible and a way to remember (notepad, phone notes or highlighter, etc...). As the Word is preached, some people eat it whole and quickly while others like to take small portions and chew on it. Everyone is different. Pray to be attentive and not distracted. Some things in a message may pertain to you and others may not (leave those on the plate for now). Then, take a drink. This represent the Holy Spirit. He will help you to "take in" what you need and even if it is bitter, or not what you want to hear you can receive it and let it change you for the better. He also bring the Word back to your memory! (John 14:26)

After a message is over what do you do? Well....whenever I have a great meal at a great place, I like to share my experience with others. You reminisce about what challenged you, how to incorporate what you learned into your life and review the moments to solidify them in your memory. Some people do this by reading what they noted or journaled. Some meet with others during the week to share information on the message or what they may have missed.

Finally, pray again asking the Lord to make the message relevant for your life. I find that during this second prayer, the Holy Spirit will give me a message within the message that is tailored for my life or give me clearer direction. That is especially sweet! (Psalm 119:103) He will do the same for you. Let's call it dessert :) 

Like any meal, you cannot eat just on Sundays and expect to be satisfied and full of energy to tackle life's problems during the week. Spend time in the Bible daily (maybe even three times a day) to get the spiritual nourishment that you need to sustain you. God will meet you at the table and His Word will never leave you empty or void (Isaiah 55:11).

Self-Care in Marriage

As a wife, I am not the best at caring for myself. In American culture, if you sacrifice yourself for work then you are esteemed more valuable. However, it is not true. People are praised for being tried, exhausted, mentally drained and very busy, but no one praises the person who takes a long vacation to connect with family or seeks psychological or financial help in areas of weakness. 

Take care of your body. Exercise is a form of self-care. I recently decided that I would join a fitness club so that I could get the support I needed to move my body (since I sit a lot) and to strengthen my joints as I get older (40s club problems :) It was worth it. Now, I look forward to feeling good and having my regular workout even if it is only once a week for now. I also suggest checking your insurance for all your benefits. More than likely you are not using everything that you are paying for. For example, this week I called my benefits person and found out that I have 90 chiropractic visits in this calendar year that I can use - say what?! Guess what I am going to do now - yup, make that appointment. Here are other ideas:

💗 Take a longer bath or shower for relaxation and alone time

💗 Eat your favorite healthy snack more often. Save a little extra money just for your treat.

💗 Ask hubby what his favorite body part is or how he likes to see you, then pay attention and give yourself extra care in that area (lotion, nail polish, exfoliation, shave, etc..)

Sex is a form of self-care. As a married couple, your body belongs to your spouse and vice-versa. We had the revelation that when we care for our spouse's body, we care for our own. If you are familiar with Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, you know that food, elimination, clothing and sex are NEEDS. Our minds and bodies are designed to desire affection and touch. Sex is a means of providing spiritual and physical need in marriage. The Bible tells us not to withhold it from each other for a reason! However, have an honest stance in your relationship. If you are sick or very tired or not in the mood - say so. That is okay too. When we take care of our bodies, we are taking care of him too. Here are a few other tips:

💗 Decide whether the two of you are planner or spontaneous. Make sure he knows which you are and get ready for either!

💗 Get lingerie for yourself or some scent that makes you feel desirable.

💗 Let hubby know how you feel about your sex life. Be open and honest and stand up for yourself. 

Spiritual self-care is a must and honestly this can be harder to find time to do than anything else. If we put God first and prioritize time with Him, other things will fall into place. Sometimes I take mini spiritual retreats by myself or with a friend or two. The goal is to have concentrated time with Jesus and to refresh my spirit. Here are some other things as well:

💗 Get a journal to write out your heart prayers to God. Tell Him everything!

💗 Practice thankfulness. Spend one day being intentionally grateful, then do it again the next day :)

💗 Be active in your church community. Join the women's group. Serve others in some way.

Your marriage will benefit from you taking the time to get yourself together girl! Quality self-care leads to a more quality marriage. However, be sure to do all things by prayer. Here are a few warnings!

💗 Do not overspend as an excuse for self-care. 

💗 Consult your hubby about changes that you are wanting to make for yourself. Having him on board makes it so much easier.

💗 Be careful not to fall into comparison or self-pity. Self-care does not have to be expensive or over the top. 

If we take the time to take care of us our husbands will be grateful. Do everything in love including loving on YOU!

Sexuality in Marriage

There are a lot of buzzwords going around about sexuality right now. Not only homosexuality (same gender sex), but MSP (mutiple sex partners) which may be male or female. There is talk of being attracted to either gender (polyamorosity) and not so much about monogamy in marriage anymore. Then there are the topics of adultery, fornication, masturbation and sin in general. 

We want to be clear about where we stand and what the Bible has to say about such topics. Instead of trying to define these things out and explain our position, we will let the scriptures speak for themselves.

According to the Holy Bible:

Romans 1:24-32

Wherefore God also gave them up to uncleanness through the lusts of their own hearts, to dishonour their own bodies between themselves: 25Who changed the truth of God into a lie, and worshipped and served the creature more than the Creator, who is blessed for ever. Amen.

26For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature: 27And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompence of their error which was meet.

28And even as they did not like to retain God in their knowledge, God gave them over to a reprobate mind, to do those things which are not convenient; 29Being filled with all unrighteousness, fornication, wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness; full of envy, murder, debate, deceit, malignity; whisperers, 30Backbiters, haters of God, despiteful, proud, boasters, inventors of evil things, disobedient to parents, 31Without understanding, covenantbreakers, without natural affection, implacable, unmerciful: 32Who knowing the judgment of God, that they which commit such things are worthy of death, not only do the same, but have pleasure in them that do them.

Leviticus 18:22

22 Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination.

Mark 10:6-12

But from the beginning of the creation God made them male and female. 7For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife; 8And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh. 9What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. 10And in the house his disciples asked him again of the same matter. 11And he saith unto them, Whosoever shall put away his wife, and marry another, committeth adultery against her. 12And if a woman shall put away her husband, and be married to another, she committeth adultery.

1 Corinthians 6:19

19What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own?

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Allow the Holy Spirit to convict and change your heart if there is any sin there (not just sexual). God does not want us to live in guilt, condemnation or confusion. He is able not only to make you born again in the spirit, but in your mind and affections. Ask Him to do the work. Pray for a Holy marriage that honors its Designer!

Prayer:

Father, you do all things well including relationships. Forgive us for using sex in a manner that is not pleasing to you. Cleanse us from past wrongs and renew our minds, bodies and spirits. We relinquish any soul ties and ask you for cleansing and healing. We dedicate our minds, hearts, souls and bodies to you. Give us wisdom and help us to enjoy married sex with our spouse of opposite gender as you intended and command. Please rebuke the enemy for any retaliation or condemnation that he may try to hold over us. We are free in Jesus name we pray, Amen.

Intimately Us

 Life is busy. It is also very familiar with your same spouse. Anyone who has been married over a yearcould attest that newness is welcome in marriage to keep things.....well, fresh! Enter Intimately Us.

This is an amazing app for married christian couples. I have never seen a app that you can literally "share" with your spouse. After you sync your account to theirs, you can add your likes, dislikes, wishes and dreams, and the app sends messages and suggestions to your spouse for you! 

It has a calendar to track your dating habits and intimate times together, fun games to play and daily challenges as well as reminders and ideas.

Want education? You can watch videos and hear from their sexperts and all about healthy sexuality and open communication between you and your spouse. There are sections about overcoming difficulties and emotional stress in marriage too!

There is also a flirty chat app within the app called "Just Between Us" where you can send special texts to your spouse and receive secret notifications to keep things spicy when you are apart...or together, lol. 

This app is free and designed by a christian company that desires to inspire more intimacy in christian marriages. It is unique and very professionally put together. I also love how direct it is. If you have questions about sex or intimacy you can also ask questions. Did we mention that it is also FREE?? Go to www.intimately.us to find out even more features and how to download on your devices.

Check it out and let us know what you and your spouse think of it :)

Surviving Marriage - One Day at a Time

If I could use one word to sum up what marriage has been like this year, I would chose the word: SURVIVING.

It hasn't been great for the obvious reason of the effects of the corona virus on all of our lives. Marriage has been, well...complicated for reasons like...homeschooling, not really being able to date outside of our house, financial strains, missing the fellowship of our churches and so, so much loss of life.

Has it been this way for you too?

We know that God is with us and that a virus is no reason for a divorce or anything, but some of us have seen parts of our spouses that we have never seen. They are still mourning the loss of loved ones and everyone deals with death differently. They are stressed over the fact that jobs are lost or changed or just a horrible atmosphere right now. They are tired of the additional weight that teaching their children has caused when they were unprepared to do so. The back and forth of "lock down" and or "quarantine" situations in their place of residence as well as travel restrictions has been difficult. And even the emotional toil of watching others going through it all has taken a toll on us and our spouses.

The Lord never promised perfect days, but this is has never happened before. That also means that God's grace and mercy have never been extended to us in this same way before.

It's never been so dark, so we have never had a greater opportunity to shine His light!

Our marriages are just....surviving. Not that our relationships were close to ending, but we are certainly not in the most thriving state. However, just because a storm comes does not mean that the seeds that we have planted in the ground will die. Some things in our marriages may be in a more dormant state at the moment, but everything that God has equipped us with to make it through the storm is still there. HE is still there.

Tough times in life are inevitable but they make our marriages stronger and more resilient. If we can make it through 2020 together with our marriages intact, we can most certainly keep our heads above water for whatever comes next. Just keep swimming. As long as we can move and breathe we can stay afloat AND, we can help other marriages to do so as well.

 If we can be survivors, we can be rescuers too!

You see...just as your marriage is not one-sided and just for your benefit, neither is it just for you two alone. Others (not just your children) are watching and learning about how to navigate through hard times. We are teaching by our actions. We are mentoring.

So what can we show the world about marriage as this very different year comes to a close? -  let's show them a unprecedented love in unprecedented times one day at a time.