Surviving Marriage - One Day at a Time

If I could use one word to sum up what marriage has been like this year, I would chose the word: SURVIVING.

It hasn't been great for the obvious reason of the effects of the corona virus on all of our lives. Marriage has been, well...complicated for reasons like...homeschooling, not really being able to date outside of our house, financial strains, missing the fellowship of our churches and so, so much loss of life.

Has it been this way for you too?

We know that God is with us and that a virus is no reason for a divorce or anything, but some of us have seen parts of our spouses that we have never seen. They are still mourning the loss of loved ones and everyone deals with death differently. They are stressed over the fact that jobs are lost or changed or just a horrible atmosphere right now. They are tired of the additional weight that teaching their children has caused when they were unprepared to do so. The back and forth of "lock down" and or "quarantine" situations in their place of residence as well as travel restrictions has been difficult. And even the emotional toil of watching others going through it all has taken a toll on us and our spouses.

The Lord never promised perfect days, but this is has never happened before. That also means that God's grace and mercy have never been extended to us in this same way before.

It's never been so dark, so we have never had a greater opportunity to shine His light!

Our marriages are just....surviving. Not that our relationships were close to ending, but we are certainly not in the most thriving state. However, just because a storm comes does not mean that the seeds that we have planted in the ground will die. Some things in our marriages may be in a more dormant state at the moment, but everything that God has equipped us with to make it through the storm is still there. HE is still there.

Tough times in life are inevitable but they make our marriages stronger and more resilient. If we can make it through 2020 together with our marriages intact, we can most certainly keep our heads above water for whatever comes next. Just keep swimming. As long as we can move and breathe we can stay afloat AND, we can help other marriages to do so as well.

 If we can be survivors, we can be rescuers too!

You see...just as your marriage is not one-sided and just for your benefit, neither is it just for you two alone. Others (not just your children) are watching and learning about how to navigate through hard times. We are teaching by our actions. We are mentoring.

So what can we show the world about marriage as this very different year comes to a close? -  let's show them a unprecedented love in unprecedented times one day at a time.

 

Learning to be Discreet

Being careful with our speech, actions and reactions is not always easy as a woman. Taking the time to think before your respond is an artform. Learning to stay silent....well, that is practically divine! Women who have mastered discretion make wonderful wives.

This type of woman knows when to talk to her husband and when to wait. She is a walking proverb who quietly influences her entire home, work and business. She can set the atmosphere with her praise and live in confidence because her God is within her.

How do we get to be her? 

Carefully.

I always watched those older women in my church who spoke just the right things to the younger ones. They were not offensive, but gave us stern and loving advice. They were the prayer warrior women who we confided in and we just knew that they heard from the Lord! Those women were always quoting scripture and kept their household in order. Wow, I wanted to be her.

So I watched and I learned. I asked questions and I observed responses. I copied her moves and took her advice in parenting and in marriage. Even watching how she dressed taught me so much. I consulted the Word of God and prayed to be a woman who represented God well in every way - like her. 

In watching I learned that those women were not perfect, but did not let that stop them from pursuing holiness and righteousness. They made mistakes both privately and publicly, but they were so quick to repent and move on. These women discreetly prayed for the faults of their husbands and did not shame them. The joy of the Lord was their strength even in the very hard trials of life including pain, sickness, poverty and even in the face of death itself.

Being a woman who is like that takes a lifetime of growth but I also learned that each day gave them a new start and a fresh beginning to get it right. Discretion just means discreet, careful, cautious. We can all learn to do that in every decision we make.

I am encouraged that each and every woman will have the same opportunity to grow and learn to be this kind of person or to squander these moments and come out defeated. It really is up to us to choose who we will serve each and every day - moment by moment. We can gleen from others who are discreet. We can study discretion in the Bible. We can practice this cautious lifestyle every day.

You are her and so am I to someone watching our lives. We are projecting an image to the world even if we are not celebrities or the most popular. Know that others are learning both from our successes and our failures. Let us show them Jesus.

Our Marriage Changed

 At first, I thought of titling this "Has Your Marriage Changed?" but, who are we kidding? With a worldwide pandemic happening and all of the things that come with it, we all have changed. The best news is that God has not.

I am sure that I am not the only one struggling with respecting current leadership, managing my home with work schedules and homeschooling and trying to figure out when and what to feed my family. Buying, washing and/or making more masks, deciding for or against flu shots and trying to maintain decent mental health in this hyper-racial climate adds even more stress.

We could say that we have changed, but better yet, we are adapting to changes happening around us. Could it be that we have not changed much, but that current life circumstances are just revealing who we have always been on the inside? 

Just as we apply pressure on a tube of toothpaste, we are being forced to reshape and express ourselves in new ways. As christians, our marriages are doing the same. I was furloughed for 3 months and Maurice supplied all income, then the reverse happened and he was furloughed for 3 months while I started a new job. It was a role reversal that reversed again, but never changed the fact that we were in this mess together. Our toothpaste was under pressures that the Lord allowed, but we never buckled and gave up on us. 

We became who God designed us to be - flexible!

We bend but do not break even as we see so many other couples causing current issues to slowly erode their marital foundations. We were not always so hopeful. It took time, but it was never really about our ability to hold this marriage together. Once we committed our relationship to Him, He took the reins and now, we lean and depend on Him together. Whether we are talking about what's for dinner, organizing the household, meeting financial needs or child-rearing, God must be FIRST.

You must decide to build your house on a firm foundation if you want it to withstand storms!

So how do we become sturdy, yet flexible in marriage. First, acknowledge that God is the third wheel in the marriage. All decisions should be mutual between you, your spouse and lined up with scripture. That is not easy, but we have to sometimes defer to our spouses against our own judgment in non-essential issues. It is humbling but worth it. Also, we have to refuse to go against the Word of God in our marriage. It is a standard that we agree to uphold. Period.

We also need to guard our peace and that of our marital partner. So many people are facing emotional and psychological trauma because home is not a safe place. 

Make your marriage a safe place to land and a soft place to fall. 

Be open to hear your spouse's concerns as well as their successes. We need to be able to celebrate with each other and shed tears on each other's shoulders. Let peace reign in your home, car and in everything you do. Sometimes we have to turn off the television and play a game. Sometimes we take walks in the park without our phones or just sit on the beach in silence. Other times, we just lie in bed and cry to get it all out. Be present with your spouse and be the first to offer to pray together. You do not have to be the answer to all their problems, they just need to know that you will be there with them.

We have changed. You have changed. God has not. Let's stay strong in the midst of these storms. Board up the windows of your marriage and hunker down. Together. Always.

Love Lifted Me - A Resurrection Poem!

They were...Down. Why do you seek the living among the dead? He is not here, for He is Risen. There is NOTHING here. There is no one here. The tomb is empty and the only people who see Jesus are those who have Him. Within them. Because SOMETHING happened!

The world cannot hold on to Him. He told the woman in the garden "do not touch me". She could not hold on to Nothing. He was going to His Father. One disciple had to touch him in order to believe Him. "Behold my hands and my feet and see that it is I". There it was. Nothing. In the holes of his hands,  it became something. It happened in his heart!

Those who walked with Jesus by the way said "...did not our hearts burn within us as He walked with us by the way?" By the way....there He is!

By the way...something, is happening. There is nothing in the grave. There is nothing in the Tomb! There is nothing that could hold Him down! He is risen. Hallelujah!!

After Jesus died we thought nothing was happening! However, something was! The Resurrection had already begun. He was already on His way back!

Nothing could hold Him.

Hell could not contain Him.

He was something, Else!

He had to do something - for you and me! When nothing else could help, Love lifted me!

Having a Joyful Marriage in Sorrowful Times

All around us we keep hearing about death, fear, money troubles and anxiety about the future. Although things are uncertain, we have been trying to keep the perspective that at least we have each other through it all. How does a married couple know God's joy in the midst of such sadness?

In our marriage vows, we pledge "until death do us part", but we did not consider the toll that deaths around us would take. Life is really heavy right now and people are doing everything they can to keep their sanity. Joy is almost unthinkable for some. Nevertheless, it is possible. You see joy is something, that we learned long ago, is supernatural. We are in the middle of crisis with a worldwide pandemic, constant natural disasters, loss of life and financial unrest, yet, there can be joy in marriage still. The joy that the Lord gives to us can never be taken away.

First, we have to remember that this life is temporary and fleeting. We are strangers, pilgrims, temporary residents on this planet earth. This world is not our home. While we are here, the joy in our marriages is a picture to the world that Christ and His church is alive and well. There is still security, eternal security, in God. What a testament to the saving power of the blood of Jesus that our relationships can thrive despite our surroundings!

Joy is a fruit of the Spirit, not something we conjure up by our own efforts. (Galatians 5:22)  To know real joy in marriage is to know that the Holy Spirit is the other person in your relationship. Even on rough days, we can experience love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness and temperance with each other. To love and to be loved is a gift from God. Christian marriages should be growing more deeply planted roots in hard times instead of looking for a way out apart from one another. Tragedy should strengthen us, not separate us. The Bible lets us know that two are better than one. When one falls, the other can help! (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12) The key is leaning on the power of the Holy Spirit each and every day, every hour and every minute.

We all need space and time to process what is happening in the world now. Your spouse may not be able to handle all your emotions, but the Bible calls us to bear one another's burdens. We have to let our marriages be a safe space to confide, share feelings, cry together and express ourselves. Do unto your spouse as you would have them do unto you! (Matthew 7:12) We have times to talk, but we also take personal time away from each other to talk to God. Remember to keep God God and your mate your mate.

We see that even the church grew closer after the darkest time of Jesus' crucifixion. The disciples were perplexed, but found joy in the fact that He would return. We need to do the same today in our marriages. Real joy in marriage is knowing that our relationships serve a purpose that is bigger than us and that Jesus is returning sooner than later for those in His family. Even when someone dies, we do not mourn like the world does. ( 1 Thessalonians 4:13) Every day we try to be purposeful about cultivating a thankful heart. There is still SO much to be grateful for - especially each other.

The two greatest commandments are to love the Lord our God with all our heart, soul, mind and strength and to love our neighbors as ourselves. Real love endures despite situational changes, emotional mood-swings and whatever happened on today's news. It helps to think more about the other person than yourself. We have been trying to apply this principle in our marriage also. Who else needs food, clothing, shelter, money, prayer or a listening ear? What other couples could use encouragement? What grieving family could use a meal?

When we bless others, we are blessed ourselves. Your marriage can weather this storm because the Greater One lives within you and guides your marriage. He put us together and He can hold us together! We remain joyful in the fact that weeping may endure for the night, but JOY comes in the morning! (Psalm 30:5)

How we Handled our Quarantined Teens

I think that my boys are enjoying all this time away from civilization. They have happily locked themselves in their rooms for hours at a time. They chat and text with their friends online and they eat like there is no tomorrow.

However, there are moments of sadness. They miss church. They miss "hanging out" with other teenagers. They are growing out of their favorite cool clothes, lol. There are also no girls here (aww shucks)!

So with the good and the bad times, we are taking this time to bond with our teenagers. Thankfully, neither of them has been sick at all. Glory to God! We are trying to maximize this time.

No one knows how much time you really have with your loved ones!

So we have had some very meaningful conversations. Just the other day over dinner, we were discussing what it meant for God and Jesus to be All-Powerful. We actually used scripture to come to the conclusion that Jesus was fully God and man and that He had all power all the time, while on earth and in heaven.

We have had some really fun meal ideas together! We have had dinner for breakfast and breakfast for dinner. The guys have cooked, baked, fried and whipped. Smoothie experimentation has been a thing at our house too. One of my sons decided that he like them! Win for mom!

We got creative with salads, desserts and drinks too. Meal prep variety is truly endless and has been a really fun way to connect with our teens!

Church has never, ever been so different for our boys. They have been going to church since birth. This is absolutely the longest time that we have ever had away from the church building. We talked about how we as individuals are the church, not brick and mortar. We have tried to have a daily bible reading time. It has been hit or miss, but we tried. We have also implemented some bible study into our homeschool. We have not missed any of our online church services and we are very thankful for that connection.

We are the set apart church set apart. 

After this time is over, hopefully we can resume some other family activities that we enjoy. Having parties and going to events has been a downer for the two extroverts in our house. Our one graduate from middle school to high school has a virtual ceremony instead of a real one, so that was different too.

Some things stayed the same though. We still cried with each other when loved ones were lost. We still embraced each other as much as ever (ok..maybe a little more). We still had to clean and keep up the house so chores and bedtimes were the same.

Life happens, but family is forever. Our teens will certainly remember this time and we are not likely to forget it soon either!

Our Marriage in Quarantine

Hey friends! How are you holding up? Better yet...how is your marriage holding up? During this worldwide pandemic, we are facing an unprecedented challenge as a people. So, obviously, in the face of such surprise, tragedy, death and confusion, there is marriage tension. When we are told not to touch and to be careful not to spread disease, it affects relationships. Even though, we more than likely, live with our spouses, the tension is real even there. I cannot imagine how some of my nursing friends and other essential workers are coping with not living with their spouses at this time for their safety. I don't think I could do it really.

Even those of us who are at home daily with our spouses (and maybe with homeschooling children), there is tension still. We are all forced to grapple with how to do life under these circumstances. Some of us are loving the extra attention from our mate while others are annoyed. The boundaries are new and some are getting broken. Schedules are becoming a thing for some of us who are not used to them. Homeschooling is...well...not what many expected it to be. Then there is the tension of how to do church at home.

Whoever thought that we would become Pastors, Deacons, Ushers, Sunday school teachers and Ministers overnight!

Things are changing from our norms so quickly and we are forced to make the adjustments not only in our home-life but also in our marriage relationships. Bedtimes might be different and how we spend our days is definitely affected.

When your "marriage is quarantined" a big ole' spotlight shines on your relationship and its health. Has it been suffering all this time? Are you not as patient as you thought you were? Is sex great, not so great or not at all! Is anything easier or is everything a hardship? Is your spouse being supportive in your endeavors or are there constant arguments now? Are you living together...yet apart?

In some of our marriages the issue is money. Many people have lost their jobs or find themselves working at home for the first time. Your spouse may not be "the same person" as they are at work and you may be seeing them this way for the first time. Perhaps even our play is different. What we do for entertainment might be annoying to our partner or even sinful, but now we are more aware. Much more aware! We are learning about the ones we love all over again. It's a blessing....in disguise, lol.

Be encouraged. In some way, shape or form we are all feeling pressure in our relationships and we need to know how to handle this change whether it is temporary or not. So here are a few things that we are learning:

First, we need to pray for each other more. Spending more time with your spouse reminds you of how imperfect they are and how much they need Jesus to stay away from sin. That is all of us all day! One thing that we try to implement is to love God more than each other.

Talk to God more than your spouse. 

Put Christ first over your mate. Let Him set the tone for your day, your week, your relationship. That may look like having a set morning devotional time. Our book Anointed Devotions is great for this! (shameless plug) You need to have your mindset ready for the day. Even getting up early to do this, or at night if you are an evening person, is a good idea.

Secondly, prioritize your marriage over parenting. We get it. It is a hard thing to do sometimes with children home 24/7. Instead of waiting for a good time for datenight, make it happen on the cheap. So far, we have taken a "date walk" without the boys, had a special meal together and we kick the boys out of the living room for our own special movie night.

Also remember that some marriage somewhere is having it so much harder than YOU are!

Thirdly, we have to stay grateful for our relationships especially in times like these. You may need to make a list of the good things that your husband or wife does for you (or pull out an old one you made). They are God's blessing to you.

Now if things are hard in your marriage during this time and sin is involved, that is different. You do not need to tolerate abuse or adultery in your marriage. God's word lets us know that. No one should physically, emotionally or verbally EVER abuse anyone in a marriage. There is help if that is you. We highly recommend the ministry - Focus on the Family (focusonthefamily.com). You can get free help now at 1-719-531-3400. 

One of the things that happened to us during this time was that Anita lost her job as a nursing faculty member. Instead of letting it get her down, she prayed. Here is how she felt the Lord spoke concerning this:

"In late March, I was furloughed by my former institution. While in prayer, the Lord told me that now I could serve Him "full-time". I took that to heart and now my efforts go 100% to my marriage ministry, the ministry of parenthood and sharing the gospel daily on social media. It is very rewarding and I have no regrets".

Remember the marriage is ministry whether in quaratine or not. Some ongoing issues have simply been magnified during this crisis, kind of like how caronavirus has been around but we didn't know of its deadly nature until the symptoms appeared. Other things are a result of the stresses that have recently been placed on us all.

We know that marriage relationships are precious to God and that it is His will for us to represent Him in our marriages now more than ever!

Our friends, neighbors, children and the world need to see healthy marriages in spite of whatever tricks the enemy has for their destruction. We can either grow closer together through this time or drift apart. It will take prayer and intention to keep us strong.

We will be praying for your marriage. Please pray for us as well.

Marriage Routines??

You may be thinking to yourself "What on earth is a marriage routine?", and "What should be so routine about marriage anyway?". We are so glad that you asked.

One of the things that people so often complain about is that their marriage is routine and boring. Day in and day out is so redundant and similar to the day before.

However, we want you to explore the idea that things that become a habit seemed to last a bit longer. There are some things in your marriage that if put to practice on a regular basis can actually transform your relationship and give it more of longevity.

Have you ever noticed that older couples who have been together a long time often die very close to one another? They are so accustom to a daily routine together that life just does not seem possible to manage without their spouse.  We are not suggesting that you cannot live without your spouse or that life is bleak without another person, but having a marriage routine can often compliment your life and make your marriage, surprisingly, more exciting.

Just looking forward to something with your spouse can be a game changer. Here are some daily examples:

Planning a date or meal together regularly.

Not leaving home without a hug or kiss.

Watching a tv show together.


Here are some weekly examples:

Going shopping

Fasting together for spiritual health

Preparing for an annual vacation together

Going to church as a family weekly


Here are some monthly examples:

Planning large puchases (car, boat, degree)

Attending and celebrating family birthdays and holidays

Volunteering or doing ministry together

Another way to add routine to your marriage is by doing something for your spouse on a regular basis. One of you may be the one who makes the bed every day or one of you may be the one who washes your spouse's car on a regular basis. One spouse may normally cut hair for the other or do all the ironing for their spouse.

In order for this type of routine to add to the marriage longevity, one has to think of it as a service. You serve because you love.

Routines can also change. Perhaps you need to spice up your marriage by changing or adding a new routine. Here are a few ideas:

Attend a marriage conference together yearly

Have a regular couple's night with others

Get monthly massages together

Pick up a sport or hobby together regularly

Write a note, card or love letter to your spouse on a regular basis (or as a surprise)

These are just a few ideas you two can routinely do together. There are also many more that you can explore. Plan out a calendar of things just for you and your spouse to enjoy together routinely and you will notice a difference in your marriage.