This year, we want to start off with a BANG! Here are seven things that every married couple should keep in mind when thinking about sex and intimacy in their relationship. We will discuss them in the form of an acronym - I.N.T.I.M.A.C.Y. Hopefully it will help you to remember each of the seven suggestions. We are definitely not sex therapists, but after being married for 17 years (will be 18 this year by God's grace) and 2 kids, we think we could help someone a little. Intimacy does not equate to sex, but many times it leads to intercourse. That is what we are referring to here today. Here they are!
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I - Investigate each other
(Genesis 4:25, kjv) When we married, Anita was a virgin and so everything about everything sexually related was new. But she is a nurse, so she had book knowledge but not experiential knowledge. In any case, learning the body of your spouse can be an adventure. Use all your senses and grow more comfortable with each other. Even if you have been married for a long time, there is still more to learn. Adam knew his wife, then he knew his wife
again!
Fun Idea: Count how many moles your spouse has. Who has the most? Can you find them all?
N - Nurture everything else
(Matthew 7:12, kjv) Any woman will tell you that everything else outside of the bedroom affects what happens in the bedroom! Do not expect warmth in the sexual arena when your relationship has been cold for days.
When we do not eat well, get sleep or take care of ourselves emotionally, sex is not sexy.
Something as simple as making sure that you both are warm enough is important. If your spouse is sick, it probably is not the best time to make advances. A growling stomach,
a real headache or screaming kids can be a real turnoff. Attempt to resolve outside issues so that your time together is mutually pleasurable.
Fun Idea: Pick a day to go about your daily chores at home. Stay NAKED. Close all blinds and curtains. Time how long it takes to do you-know-what.
T - Take your time
Love is patient ( 1 Corinthians 13:1, kjv). Do not make it hard for your spouse to ask for sex and do not play games with their emotions. Be careful to show deference to them during intercourse and be polite. There have been times that we had to plan or schedule intimate times together. One of us is all about that scheduled life and the other loves a spur of the moment tumble in the sheets (guess which one).
It may take a while to discover what your spouse likes best. You have to be patient and expect the best from each other. Showing grace when things do not go as planned is kind.
Fun Idea: Set a time each day to kiss. Mark the date you started doing this and celebrate the anniversary. Or start your own intimate tradition.
I - Identify the issues
There will always be issues in your married sex life. Same partner, same place and same position could lead to boredom. Cleanliness could be an issue. Or perhaps one of you is really hoping for children and they are motivated to have sex just for that reason. Some couples struggle with it being too hot or cold in the environment.
We have to remember that we are most vulnerable when we are intimate.
Some couples do not take the time to discuss hurt feelings or words spoken in anger before, during or after sex. It is never wise to compare sexual experiences outside of your relationship either. Do share what you are feeling or thinking. Keeping those thoughts internalized harms the relationship.
Once you have identified the problem, pray about it together. God designed sex remember? He knows how to make this thing work!
Fun Idea: Have sex blindfolded. See if you have any issues....or not.
M - More of them, Less of You
Seek to please your spouse. (Philippians 2:4) Oftentimes, one partner complains about the other. "I wish he would do this". "I wish she would be ok with this". If it is not sinful, why not try it?? God gave you a life partner. Try to give them great memories and happy moments with you. Perhaps one person wants more sex and the other is not interested. Remember what the Word says in 1 Corinthians 7:5 - don't hold back unless you are fasting.
If you are not single, celibate or impotent, stop acting like it!
Fun Idea: Ask your spouse about their ideal intimate moment with every detail. Plan for it.
A - Acts of Worship
Sex is a holy act. (Hebrews 13:4, kjv) It is a physical covenant between one man and one woman (just in case you were wondering). Do not contaminate it with outside people or things. We are not here to tell you how to run your sex life. We are here to encourage you to enjoy the benefits of God's design for intimacy within its confines.
Food is great, but too much or too little is hardly beneficial for the human body. Sex is similar. We have God-given desire for it, but we cannot think that it does not come with principles and instruction from the manufacurer. Sex at the wrong time with the wrong intentions, in the wrong place in the wrong way is a recipe for disaster and an avenue for the enemy.
Adultery, fornication, bestiality, orgies and other paraphilia are not of God. The closer you are to God, the more you will be able to discern when you are grieving the Holy Spirit with your body.
Fun Idea: Read Song of Solomon aloud for your spouse and insert their name in the scriptures.
C - Communicate
If it bothers you, speak up! If you like it - SAY SO! It works both ways. We have a great habit of thanking each other after a really great intimate moment. Never take your spouse for granted. They could be mean, disinterested and just "going through the motions". If that is the case, discussion is warranted.
Say what you mean and mean what you say. Think carefully how and when to address your spouse with difficult conversations.
Fun Idea: Communicate without words. Feel free to use signals, gestures or any other creative way to say what you cannot say with speech :)
Y - Yield
Yield your bodies to one another - willingly, often and happily.
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