Married Money

Before marriage we manage our own money and finances. We decide what is risky and what is not, what we will spend, save or give. After marriage, our money gets married. What? Never heard of that before? It's true. If you are one with your spouse, everything that you have is now married too. Let's chat about what that means.

Married Debt

Your debt gets married when you do. You now owe more if your spouse has debt. Your credit score is now averaged and their debt burden is yours to share. Make a plan as a couple to get out of debt completely. It is very possible.

One thing that you have to agree on is to not make new debt! Married debt, when out of controls, reproduces new baby debt. The babies are never cute. They suck the life out of you and your spouse and keep you up at night.

See a debt counselor and consolidate into reasonable payments for your budget. Live simply to accomplish this. You don't need what you think you need!


Married Spending

In marriage, there is a spender and a saver. Which are you? Which is your spouse? Understand how you both feel about money. The spender needs freedom to spend, but retain self-control. The saver needs to save and have a cushion no matter what.

Learning to compromise with money is a marriage lesson. You may not be able to manage your money the way another couple does. Comparison kills. Just don't do it. Also, do not let your accounts dip below certain amounts. Map out what you really need and always pay your bills on time.

Married Savings

There is nothing like having a little something extra in the bank, but trust us, you will NEED it! Plan for unforeseen expenses like hospital bills, car maintenance and trips out of town. It's a blessing to be able to pay for these types of things in cash instead of reaching for a credit card.

Savings are also beneficial for helping others in their time of need. You have to agree with your spouse that you will both give to a certain person, ministry or cause. It is much more rewarding to mutually give.

Married Money Goals

Your married money works for you, not vice versa. Tell it what to do, where to grow, how to mature and multiply. Do it together.

There is no feeling like meeting a financial goal that you have set with your spouse. Set some goals - buy a car, pay off some debt, save for a house or future children, start a business, give extra to your church. Money is just a tool. Ask the Lord for what you need....and what you want.

Your money goes further when you let it serve you and serve God with it!

What we learned about Love and Sex in Marriage

We have been married for 15 years. That is a lot of close up "getting to know you time". In those intimate times together, we have had our share of really great sex, ok sex, make-up sex and "I'm doing this just for you" sex. Like most couples, these times have varied in length of time, location and type. Here are a few things that we would tell another couple about their married sex life.

Make a Commitment

When I asked Maurice what his biggest piece of advice is, he mentioned how important it was to not commit adultery. This would require that the male in the relationship must guard his eyes and mind. Watch what you watch and listen to. Temptation abounds, so it is best to assume that you are not as strong as you think you are whether male or female! You have to let your spouse know that you are there for them when they need you. In I Corinthians 7:2-5, the Bible tells us that the best way to avoid cheating is to have lots of sex often. Remember that your body no longer belongs to you. Don't play silly mind games. Make a commitment to love, honor and cherish the needs of your spouse.

Get to Know Them

Every person is different. We have different bodies and are capable and incapable of certain things. All newlyweds, from infinity, came into marriage with certain expectations. TV and other media "teach us" what sex should be like. It is only with time that we really get to know the person we love.

This is no one night stand!!

All christian marriages should expect to last til death do us part. That is the only expectation in sex as well - we will work it out and be together. If one thing does not work for your spouse, it will not work for you and vice versa. The goal of good sex is mutual satisfaction. What does your spouse need? What do you need? You can't complain if you don't communicate! Commit to be there for each other no matter what. Learn how to please and to serve your mate. You owe that to our spouse because you vowed to be faithful to them alone. You want them coming back to you over and over (pun intended :)


Sex is temporary

The truth is that there is no sex or marriage in heaven. Marriage is the most important relationship on earth, but not so in eternity. With that in mind, make the most of it! The feelings that come with sex are fleeting after every experience. However, your body adjusts to your spouse over time and all the hormones and enzymes in your brain draw you closer together. God has literally designed our bodies to be One! Sex is a picture of Christ, His Church and the Oneness that it represents. It is physical, mental and spiritual....but temporary. It is not everything, but it is one of the glues that holds us together.

Intimacy is KEY

If your whole marriage relationship revolves around your sex life, it will be short-lived. Sex in marriage is for procreation and recreation, but what if...you can't, they can't...it's not happening. Your marriage has to survive on more than the blessings that sex provides.

Hopefully, by understanding the three previous points, you and your spouse will have a rich relationship that outlasts sex. When we are both very old and grey, tired and worn out physically, hopefully we will have years and years of memories that keep us close. Marriage is like a padlock - nothing comes in and no one goes out. We fit each other. In our last days, we will be intimate in the very best way - because we were faithful to each other.

Til death do we part.....

Check out a couple of our most popular posts about sex:

Communion, Sex and Church

Purity is Better

Loving Correction

The Bible tell us to pursue things that lead to peace. Let brotherly love continue. That includes correcting someone when they are in error. It is the loving thing to do. To allow someone to keep going down a sinful path is not God-honoring. Let's look at the Bible.

2 Timothy 2:22 So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart. 23 Have nothing to do with foolish, ignorant controversies; you know that they breed quarrels. 24 And the Lord's servant[e] must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, 25 correcting his opponents with gentleness. God may perhaps grant them repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth, 26 and they may come to their senses and escape from the snare of the devil, after being captured by him to do his will.

Arguments occur when people impost their will and desires on someone else. It is, therefore, very important that we address wrong deeds in a biblical way.

Correct at the Right Time

The time to correct is as soon as possible. Putting off correction will only make it harder. It is just as important to correct someone at the right time as it is to correct them and love. If you attempt to correct someone at the wrong time your whole mission will be in vain. For example, when emotions are running high that is not a good time to correct someone. In the heat of their anger and frustration you will simply cause them to not be able to concentrate on what you are saying. They will be very defensive and cannot hear you at that time. However, if you choose to correct when tensions are lower then people can hear you better. They are more likely to see your point of view and to reconcile.


Correct Boldly

Bold correction is going out of style. Most people who share biblical correction find themselves in the hot seat where they are continually defending what they believe is true. However, when you are sharing the word of God, the defense is not yours to handle. If it is God's word it is his defense against their accusation. You can speak boldly when you are correct. However, we need to be very careful because the enemy also knows the word of God. Remember how the enemy attempted to use God's word against Jesus during a time when he was being tempted? We can be bold when we are on God's side, but be careful, the enemy will attempt to convince you that you are not standing where you think you are. Be ready to say I'm sorry if need be.

Correct Correctly

There have been times when we have attempted to correct our boys and had to later rescind what we thought was proper correction. Children are so good for reminding you that you are only human. Imagine how God feels when his children attempt to correct one another only to find out that they are both wrong! This is not about judging people it is about correcting them and love as we are instructed to do. Judgment is the Lord's alone. We cannot determine what a person's motive is, however, we can judge the fruit on their tree.

Just remember to get that big fat beam out of your own eye before you attempt to move remove the speck in someone else's. 

Be a peacemaker. Do things that lead to peace not controversy. You do not need to speak everything that you think. We also have to be careful because our emotions can lie to us. Guard your heart. Watch your mouth. Let's speak when we should and do not speak when we should not. 

How is your Love Life?

Love is such a misunderstood word. It's an emotion, an action, a noun, a verb and unfortunately, whatever else that we say it is...

We were created to love and to be loved by others. It is a beautiful thing to observe two people in a loving relationship. Whether that is family or friends or spouses, love SHOWS! Even pets that are well cared for are healthier and happier. Your physical heart health is improved through loving relationships. Did you know that? 

So when we ask you how your love life is...what we are really asking is How good are you at loving others and letting others love you? Many times we are impressed when others show us love in a way that we understand and appreciate. How about when their love is misunderstood.

We often have received the cutest little insignificant objects from our sons as an act of love to us on their part. Its not our favorite thing, or in our favorite color. We have no use for whatever that was that they created in the art class or summer camp.

Any clue how I can use these?

Gee thanks boys...lol!

We appreciate their acts of kindness and their thoughtfulness, but it is of no practical use to us. We laugh about the things that have come through our home that were made and done to show love. Have you ever had someone give you something that you are allergic to? How about if someone goes all out of their way to give you some food items that you absolutely hate? Learning to appreciate the person's gesture is very kind. However, when someone loves you in a way that you can feel and understand and acknowledge that is different. 

When Love is reciprocal and mutual, it will blow your mind! You will treasure those memories in your heart forever. Now that is truly the goal! When most people refer to your love life, they are talking about sex. You can have sex with someone and it is just okay for you. They tried their best it was....well, just sex. Then there are other times when both parties are mutually satisfied and plateaus are reached and Heaven touches Earth! Fireworks! Touchdown! That is the goal!!

God has given us opportunities to know and experience love primarily through the relationships that we experience here on Earth. His goal is not for you to just be loved or for you to just show love, but for both sides of your love life to be equally satisfying.

For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son that whosoever believeth in him should not perish but have everlasting life. (John 3:16, KJV) 

Now that's love! It was love that expressed itself and is waiting for reciprocation. So how is your love life?

20 Tips to Love your Family Better

How could you love your family better without saying " I Love You"? Here are 20 ways:

1. Share Jesus with unsaved family members. The best way to love is to introduce them to God. He IS love.
2. Spend quality time with individuals. I make dates with my sons individually.
3. Celebrate birthdays. It is their own special day. Make it a big deal just for them.
4. Learn to do something they enjoy. Your family will appreciate it.
5. Hug them every day. Physical affection is a must for family. Touch is a very important thing.
6. Buy someone in your family a gift just because. This gesture shows that you are actually thinking of them.
7. Support their endeavors (music, sports, art, academics, business, etc..). They should always be able to count on you!
8. Play a game with your family. This is still a great way to bond with your family.
9. Go out to eat together. It makes great memories.
10. Ask them how you can be praying for them. Ask them to be specific. Either pray right then or keep and list and ask them how it is going a few days later.
11. Fix them a meal (or dessert :) Everybody has to eat right?
12. Treat them to a mani/pedi, massage or hair salon (you provide the service). Cater to your family.
13. Take care of their pet for them (cleanup included). Love what they love.
14. Wash the car for them. Fill it with gas as a bonus!
15. Teach a family member something new that you are good at. You will have something new in common that binds you together.
16. Help with their homework or paper without a reward. Don't make them feel stupid. Encourage academic progress then attend graduation.
17. Draw/Paint a picture or write a poem for a family member. What a great intentional loving action.
18. Correct them in love. They will appreciate you later.
19. Sincerely apologize when you are wrong and ask forgiveness. Wait for a response.
20. Really listen to them. Pay attention to what they say and don't defend yourself.

Love: In Sickness and in Health

Remember that part of your wedding vows when they say in sickness and in health? Well I got to that part of my vows this past week. First Maurice got sick with a very bad cold and missed some time at work, then being his wife of course, I got sick right behind him. Thankfully, by the time I got sick we were all on our Christmas break. However, the kids were home from school and there was a ton of laundry in the basement. You know how that is. It was also a good time for me to reflect and to read the Bible and pray.

Once again, I stumbled onto Luke 11. This is the story of Lazarus being raised from the dead by Jesus.  I saw love in this chapter in a way that I never saw it before. Notice that there are three verses in which love itself is mentioned.

In verse 3 it says "..he whom thou lovest is sick".

In verse 5 it says "Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus".

In verse 36 it says "..then said the Jews behold how he loved him!".

In verses 33, 35 and 38 we see Jesus groaning in his spirit and weeping. He is showing emotional reactions to what was happening around him.

When we think of love we often think of emotional reactions, but the Bible teaches us that it is emotional but much more! Love is an action word and we see this clearly clearly in the story of Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead. He loved him and so he waited to go to him although Lazarus was ill. He loved him and so he took his time to see him even though he had died three days prior. He loved him and then he raised him from the dead so that all would believe.

When we speak of love concerning our spouses we need to ask ourselves why we love them and how we show that love. When I was sick Maurice fixed me breakfast and lunch in bed. He gave me my essential oils that I use and he let me rest. He took care of our boys and made sure that I was undisturbed so that my body could heal. It was in his actions and not his words that he showed his love in sickness and in health.

Honestly, it is harder to love when people are not in their best state. They are not putting their best foot forward. They don't look good. Let's be real, they don't even smell good. Martha told Jesus that Lazarus really smelled by now and and that going to see him at the tomb might not be a good idea. But Jesus loved him. 

What sacrifices are we willing to make for our spouses in sickness and in health?

You see, that is how God is glorified. In every circumstance, He is present. Mary & Martha both said "If you had been here Jesus my brother would not have died". I want to tell you that He is always here. With you. With me. When we are sick he can be glorified and when we are healthy he can be glorified too. His love is stronger than death. He loves us in sickness and in health, till death, and then afterwards for eternity.

So next time that your spouse is feeling ill, think of it as an opportunity to show love. Love makes sacrifices. Love does not seek its own, it seeks to glorify God. It looks a lot like Jesus who showed up, entered their struggle and brought life out of death.

What Loving your Children Really Means

In the book of Titus chapter 2, women are specifically told to love their children. In today's society, however, we find that so many children go unloved. They are not nurtured, fed, educated or properly cared for. Child abuse is at an all time high unfortunately. Children crave love and affection and it is the parent's responsibility to give it. It is bibilcal. Sometimes, due to many factors, we may find it hard to love our children despite our best efforts. We try and fail by our own standands.

Let's look at some bible examples. We do not have to go far to see them.  I can imagine that Adam and Eve felt as though they failed as parents. When there is murder in your own household, you could imagine how devastating that could be. Then, just in the next book of the bible, we see so many children killed by the Pharaoh trying to destroy the deliverer that would come out of Egypt. Parents struggle to protect their young to no avail. There are tons and tons of stories in the Bible that show failed parenting. Honestly, no one does parenting right 100% of the time. We all could use better skills in this area. No parent is perfect.

In The Titus Ten book, I share in a whole chapter about loving your children and point out some practical application for doing so. You can also see my other blogpost "Raising Soldiers" in The Daughters of the Deep community January 9th. I have thought about children a lot since we have two of them. The way we do parenting or not effectively shapes our world. I think of our two boys as our first disciples. We can literally mold and shape them. We place them in front of Jesus on a daily basis. However, we are in the world where pressures to conform to ungodly standards abound. It is difficult to motivate ourselves to do what we should as parents and it is difficult to taylor our discipling to each child individually. Thank the Lord for all the godly parents who pray for their children on a regular basis, take them to church and do not cause harm to them unintentionally.

Unfortunately, current child abuse statistics show that:

• just over 1,500 children die each year in the United States from child abuse and neglect
• 905,000 children were the victims of child abuse in 2006
• 70 percent of child abuse victims are under age three years old
• over 80 percent of the abused children were abused by one the child's parent
• neglect is the most common form of child abuse, followed by physical abuse, sexual abuse, psychological abuse, and lastly, medical neglect

Most importantly, everyone should be aware that victims of child abuse come from all socioeconomic backgrounds, living situations, and races.

By Vincent Iannelli, M.D., About.com Guide

I am horrified at the abuse of a child by their own parents. The Bible has much to say about this.

Mark 9:42, KJV - And whosoever shall offend one of these little ones that believe in me, it is better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and he were cast into the sea.

Abuse may range from crushing a child's spirit to murder. God cares greatly about children whether the parents do or not. Anyone suspecting that a child is being abused should report it to their state child abuse hotline or call the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline (1-800-4-A-CHILD). Visiting a state's child abuse website will also help you learn about mandatory child abuse reporting laws that you may be subject to. Also remember that if you think that a child is in immediate danger from child abuse or neglect, then you should call 911.

Abuse can happen to a child when we give them too much of what they do not need or they or we neglect what they need the most. 

Consider spiritual abuse. It is what happens when we attempt to raise and love our children apart from the Holy Spirit. What children need most is a relationship with God. They need to know Jesus Christ as their personal Lord and Savior. Only that relationship in their lives will sustain them through adulthood. Have you ever stopped to consider that? When we neglect to disciple our children, we deny them the kingdom of God. When the disciples were ready to push the children aside as Jesus was preaching, he clearly drew them to himself and said, "Suffer the little children to come unto me and forbid them not, for of such is the kingdom of heaven". A man and a woman were created to parent the first child ever born, not two men or two women. The only perfect parent is God. Ask His advice. Read His rulebook. Invite Him to your family meetings. He will come alongside and fill in all the gaps. 

Let us be careful to care for our children. They belong to God. He formed them, shaped them and designed them with skills, talents and abilities for His glory. It is our job and privilege to grow and nurture them into a relationship with the One who gives them purpose.